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| Was it really vanity that made me start?
I thought it was, but I'm not so sure now. See, I don't do "vanity" in the way that most girls do- I like shopping, sure, but I'm unlikely to buy things which most girls think of as pretty. I don't do makeup, have a haircut once a year (or less), wear flat lace-up shoes all the time.
But I *am* a perfectionist, and I do want to be in control of every damn thing. It's such a cliche isn't it, how this is all about CONTROL.
In other news, I have been eating with wild abandon and have gained. But it's not as terrifying as I thought it would be, and I also can't be bothered to get rid of it. I did try, but I got bored and stopped.
"I got bored and stopped".
It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I know that not so long ago I would have thought- what's this getting bored business, do you want to be thin or not?
I am living somewhat uneasily in my skin now.I know that it could be a lot worse. Can I live with being slightly uneasy?
But the hair is growing back. Now THAT is vanity. I don't actually know what made the difference because I tried a lot of things at the same time. I stopped using my old shampoo, switched to organic stuff, and I apply a mixture of essential oils every night. And of course, I started eating properly.
The bigger bald patches are slowly being covered over. I discovered that even a 1cm square bare patch is extremely visible. There is now very short fine hair on it, and I think it will grow longer. I have also noticed quite a few short (<2 inches) hairs sticking straight up vertically. Never noticed these before, so don't know if there are more now than there used to be or they're just more obvious because some of the longer ones have fallen out.
That really was my wake up call. Repeat to myself: I would rather be fat than bald.
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| OK, this is a rant. Rant rant rant and it's not even about food. It's not even about anyone on xanga but I need to get this out somewhere.
What gives you the right to tell me that I need to sort my life out? What makes you think I need all your self-help crap? Can't you see that if someone is charging you $2000 to sort your life out in some workshop they are probably in it for the money? What then gives you the right to criticise me because I want to have nothing to do with this?
Spend your money however you want to. But don't criticise me, and don't give me shit because I don't want to waste mine.
My life is plenty fine. I got where I am by my own efforts and I don't need all your psycho game-playing to make it better. If you want to get locked in a room with 300 other people and shouted at till you cry, go ahead, but only an idiot would pay $2000 for that if you ask me. I can get that for free by joining the army. So just because I don't want to doesn't make me a lesser person.
Oh, and I can't tell you when I'm going to be in town because I DON'T KNOW MY SCHEDULE. I can't even tell my relatives when I'm going to be in town. I get the feeling that you expect me to move heaven and earth to see you just because you say you'd be willing to do that. Well you know what, this is fucking freaking me out. It's not my fault you can't get a girlfriend and so you've fixated on someone you only see once every few years. Fucking well leave me alone. I told you i'm seeing someone and that's not going to change and pressing the issue isn't going to help. Maybe you should try getting a life instead of bleating platitudes.
And what's all this about telling me I should tell my boyfriend that he "has competition". IN YOUR DREAMS. In order to be "competition" you have to be a worthy contender. God, the more I think about this the more my flesh crawls. You have no life, you're addicted to self-help to bolster your lack of self-esteem, and your claim to me is that we wrote letters to each other in primary school and kept in touch? The only reason I'm not just telling you to fuck off out of my life is out of sheer pity.
If there is any more nonsense like this this friendship is OVER even though I've known you for so long. Do whatever you want but get off your high horse and stop thinking that everyone needs self-help just because you think you've found the next messiah for the all-in-one price of $2000. Come to think of it, it may be over anyway.
Phew. I needed that. And maybe I'll even email it.
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| In the end, it was vanity that got me. I decided to stop purging because I suddenly realised my hair is thinner. Who knows if the purging did it, but surely I shouldn't make it worse.
It was vanity that made me start, and it is vanity that will make me stop.
I don't give a fuck.
I have been eating pretty much whatever I want balancing it out with the gym 4 times a week. So far there hasn't been too much damage. I think it's about letting there be little bits of damage so I slowly don't panic.
I would rather be fat than bald. Sorry if you're bald and offended, but sorry too if you're fat and offended.
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| This post has almost nothing to do with food.
I was looking around one of those crap social networking sites and I see that certain people from school (I mean school school, like really long ago) have re-formed their old gang online.
Now it's interesting to see this years later and evaluate how I feel.
You know what? You all still suck, and I am a hell of a lot smarter than you lot thought I was then, so here's two fingers to you.
I did much more interesting things that you did, and I got somewhere despite not having the privileged background that you all did, which you looked down on me for.
So, you all still suck, and you can kiss my backside.
Ahem.
In other news, I went for a month without purging and without really caring what I was eating. I gained, but I don't care as much as I used to. I still purged a couple days ago though, and I felt really awful afterwards, and even worse the next day.
I've got to stop this. I've said that a few times but I can see how little I can take it now.
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| I feel good, because I have just been on holiday to somewhere where there is a lot of food.
I ate a lot. I purged only once. I tried again, but I got pissed off with myself and stopped. Instead, I exercised every day.
It was terrifying to "let myself go" - to eat normally, perhaps a bit more than normally, and tell myself that I would just deal with the consequences. After two weeks, the consequences aren't that bad actually. I know that I have gained, but it's not as bad as I thought.
The complicated bit is that I want to lose this extra weight that I have gained, so I will be restricting for the next couple of days. I suppose this is *still* better than being out of control and b/p-ing.
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